Travel back with me if you will to a glorious time a year of greatness the taxes were low the drugs were good and the woman didn't give ya AIDS even if you put it in their butt. Surely the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty six was a year to best all years besides for 1985 which really was a kickass year in and of itself. Just ask William Gibson. Also I been shat out my mams hairy vagina that year so in a sense 1985 really was the crest of the wave as far as I'm concerned. But 1986 did had its moments, one of which will go down in history because Urotsukidoji was released that year. The Man. The Legend. Toshio Maeda brought forth from his genius fuzzy Nipponese head a great work of time, much less great than Berserk but nonetheless a gift from that place where myth and story meet and are swimming together gloriously in the vaultless seas of creativity. Overcoming great adversity, Maeda struggled against insurmountable oppression to bring us the promethean Legend of the Overfiend. For what does a man of Japan love in life more than porn? Hah! Mount Fuji of course but even Hokusai himself was a fond fondler of octopus tentacley vaginas. Alas Maeda the Mighty was the genius who singlehandedly dared to defy the loathesome and vile censorship laws of Nippon. A man who saw a great mischief and decided to take a stand! This is what makes Urotsukidoji one of the greatest love stories ever told for the tale itself is a labor of love from the start. Maeda truly understands and loves womans as attested by the fact that the constant fucking of them by grotesque demons and monsterously muscular beasts is exactly what every woman wants and yearns for after they grow out of the unicorn phase. The genie in Disney's Aladdin will attest to the fact that Ten Thousand years will give ya such a crick in the neck but it only took the Overfiend 3,000 years of slumber before his semen became caustic enough to spontaneously combust the naughty night shift nurse! Indeed many life lessons can be had by paying close careful attention to Urotsukidoji, firstly that if you ever get destroyed in a battle you can always fuck the life force away from your wifes nymphettes in hell with your double pronged snake penis and in doing so get yourself a real badass spider demon body. Secondly that ferris wheels is great places to fuck the shit out of womens, the heightness of it coupled with the circular motion really wets the panties like nothing else. Probably the best take home message of the entire series would be that if there is one thing closer than a boy and his dog in this life it is probably the Overfiend and his demon womb. Like the great Shiva-Destroyer of olde Hindy Lore the Overfiend is capable of great destruction yet not entirely without a heart for you see instead of destroying all of creation as originally intended, the Overfiend pulled a Grinch and what with his heart growing three whole sizes in one day decided to remake the world and stop blowing shit up with his multiple headed tree trunk dick that ejaculates fucking lazer beams. Fucking lazer beams from out his dickholes. PewPewPew! Fuck you Japan I love you so much. Probably it is pretty important to consider that Nazi's can summon devils too, I bet you anything they done pulled a King Solomon them Nazis and had the demons to building their ovens with what to roast the Jews in. Without a doubt Akemi Ito is the luckiest little whore in Tokyo and that Overfiend bakin away in her womb is proof of that. But don't take my word for it, just ask Levar Burton the next time you get a chance. (52,807)
So here are the top ten reasons why you would be better off having HIV/AIDS:
1) You will finally get laid.
Between the support groups and the Cure rallies, you are gonna be smothered in nasty pockmarked AIDSex from noon to night. If you are a homosexual man, you probably will never spend the night alone again for the rest of your days which probably will be more than you might imagine (no) thanks to modern medicine. Assuming your AIDS was the result of a casual affair and not some horrible medical accident, you probably were already getting laid, but sheer statistics are in your favor now as you can have unsafe sex with as many fellow AIDSians as you wish with no harm whatsoever. What are you scared of a little chlamydia now that you have full blown fucking AIDS? Pussy.
2) You can finally play the victim.
Yes, you love to be a victim. You love the United States Prime Time Victim show. Bells, Gila Copters, Church Bells...
3) You can chop up and snort the drug cocktail and get really fucking high.
This one pretty much single handedly explains every post Star Wars executive decision made by George Lucas as well as the careers of Milli Vanilli and I'm guessing Vanilla Ice as well. While cocaine may be one hell of a drug, HIV/AIDS medicines will literally allow you to watch your brain sodomize itself and bleed in hi-def realtime spacetime continuum hyper lucid subspace transfer r-type laser canon motherbrain final boss mode. Shit is intense, don't beleive me? Ask those kids in South Africa, motherfuckers know what is up.
The downside... shit's costly. Upside? Shit's costly.
4) Your parents will probably let you move back in.
Free internet porn and a couch to jerk off on, life is good once again. Probably still not worth living, but good enough to wake up for at least. Just make sure to hide all your cumrags at the bottom of the hamper or you gonna have some 'splainin to do!
5) Any shitheel you've fucked recently who had the nerve to avoid you and never call you back is now officially and totally fucked.
Hey to be fair, so are you. But s/he totally fucking deserved it.
6) No one will ever kick your ass again.
If the situation ever begins to occur, simply start spitting and coughing and loudly proclaiming that you are an AIDS ridden walking corpse and a derelict of healthiness. Not even the methed will fuck with you.
7) You'll probably get a job out of it.
You can always work as a test subject for experimental medical studies. I mean, what have you got to lose?
8) Ween wrote a song about you.
Dude, its fucking Ween. Geener and Deaner, man.
And since I'm myself ridden with the HIV/AIDS and cannot successfully count, we will stop there for today children. Reading this post in its entirety will not protect you from AIDS, be careful what you allow to enter your rectums boys and girls. This is the Cocktail Commando snorting another rail of AIDS meds in your honor while signing off. (65,941)
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