In addition to wasting the majority of my time and money on higher education (whatever the fuck that entails, I’m still not sure myself) and intermittently writing for this here Latewires dot cam, I moonlight as a biorecovery technician. What might you ask exactly is a biorecovery technician? Well, when some cranky fuck up and decides to off themselves in an altogether haphazard and messy fashion . . . lets say a high caliber bullet to the cranium or good old fashioned hari-kari with a kitchen knife, I am the miserable git who scrubs the encrusted brain matter off the toilet bowl and mops coagulated blood off of the bathroom floor. My business is death and business is good, always always good. A glamorous job it most certainly is and not without a modest compensation. Lemme tell ya, if you decide to become an aesthetic and swear off sex et cetera becoming a biorecovery techinician is the perfect job for you. As an aside, most of the television shows and movies portray the spectacle of human death horribly horribly wrong. You would probably be surprised at just how vigorously the 6 quarts of human blood tends to leech out of an open gash or gaping bullet hole and even more surprised at just how boring and drama free the aftermath of a life gone wrong can actually be. As bizarre as it sounds, the majority of people who off themselves are actually well off and extremely well connected contrary to popular opinion that only miserable loner types end themselves prematurely. Most suicides are highly educated people and intelligent to boot, which is good because it makes my job a whole lot easier to do when the ex-bastard has the decency and foresight to lay down some Visquine before going through with their last act. Of course some jobs always stand out and as always in a grim job, it’s the gallows humor that makes it bearable. So let me share with you the story of my favorite job to date: we will call it Holey Shit. (Part II Coming Soon!) (37,667)
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