Ah, the whale.
A noble beast, the whale is and perhaps it just may be the freest of all mammals. Can you imagine anything better for the soul than swimming through the cerulean depths fighting off vermicious giant squid and cavorting with all manner of aquatic beasties? Swimming with siphonophore’s, dallying with dolphins and in general killing all manner of lesser fish with noggin conks from your massively monolithic boner? It may just be me, being myself somewhat a man of the sea but if there is a finer way to be than you should enlighten me for it’s the best as far as I can see.
Having just crawled out from under the rock (located on mars and full of spiders mind you) I’ve been living under for the past 20 years it has come to my attention that there is an all too serious effort being put forth from super apes all over the globe to ‘Save the Whales.’ This in itself is a chivalrous cause, and if it’s a bit egotistical and completely impractical well so fucking what. After all, how much help can a group of cacophonous land dwelling monkeys really be when it comes to helping out creatures many times their own size? Again, saving the whales is a noble sentiment for a noble beast but let us add a bit of sense to this endeavor!
If we are to really save the whales and not just make a show about it, reality and ideals must somewhere collide and in this grim union we must make practical sense of some issues for the greater good of man and giant boner’d leviathan. First there is the rather major issue of the megaton carcasses of x-whales to be dealt with. If this issue cannot be resolved then all efforts to keep whales safe will have been for naught because beaches and resorts the world over will quickly be shut down by malodorous stench and the bulky blight of something wholly unwholesome. Taking into account that the majority of whale carcasses washing up on shore are going to be freshly decomposing or completely rank, it seems reasonable to assume that most whale bulk could be used in the manufacturing of fancy decorative soaps (with liberal scented oils added) and high-grade pet foods. Also, in the laudable attempt to kill two or more pelicans with one boulder, the feeding of whale blubber to vagrants and other ne'er-do-wells must be instituted as a matter of common practice. What remains is the issue of putting to practical use the skeletal remnants of our barnacled blue buddies, bones much too large to be efficiently relocated. What I propose is nothing resembling a Cetacean ossuary; no what must be done is to create dwelling places out of these relics.
What you see above is a lifelike and to-scale anatomically correct draft of a blue whale skeleton. Now imagine if you will a few patches here and there, a chimney sticking out through one eyehole and a little round door with a doorknob in the middle of it straight out of the Hobbiton Shire. Economical and energy efficient material between the rib bones and electrical/speaker wiring running from the skull down through the spine and supplying various outlets and entertainment pods located throughout the dwelling places. For the high-end whale-dweller, some solar panels and a little bench encircled garden area near the tailbones would not be uncalled for, even the penis bone could be utilized as a storage shed for whatever nonsense people will be pack ratting away once the whales are liberated from the tyranny of Japanese whaling fleets. I suspect some form of highly nutritious algae based cheeto, but don’t buy stock based on my predictions, my oracle isn’t quite what it used to be. It reasons to stand that the smaller whales could make fine orphanages whereas the colossal marmoreal remnants of a mighty blue whale could provide shelter for a large family or even house a concert hall for a little beachside rock n’ roll. Osteoporotic whales could even be utilized as massive bee colonies, or at least low-income housing for destitute swallows.
So if you were one of those malcontented fellows all to happy to sit on the sidelines and let your sea-faring mammalian cousins go the way of the dinosaur, just imagine how fucking cool it would be to stash your gardening supplies inside the erectile ossification of a defunct fin whale. Exercise your neglected imagination and feel the amplified vibrations of an amplified guitar as it caterwauls its way down the hollowed thoracic cavity of a blue whale. Next time a chance in your life comes to lend a hand to the whales, remember that you too could be growing your organic cannabis inside the inside of a truly freed Willy. (52,929)
Wed Jan 07, 2009 10:30 pm A very inspiring essay. So inspiring, in fact, that when renowned architectural firm Loophausen, Snakengroper, and Bleen read it, they used it as the basis for Karl Rove's new Malibu domicile-cum-reiki-emporium :
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